I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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