his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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