New low: just hacked my moms facebook
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
