Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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