Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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