the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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