she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
