I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
