Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
