I puked a lego.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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