What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I need to stop coming to work sober
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
