so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
God, I missed his penis.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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