I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
