I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
