i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
