I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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