the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize