im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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