one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The uberlube is also flammable
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize