she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
