He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
