if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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