Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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