I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
