I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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