even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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