I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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