oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
