I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
