i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
