I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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