Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
