Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
