Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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