yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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