He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
