good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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