i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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