i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
