I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
