How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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