I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
