who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
