dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
