Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
