proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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