my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
