Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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