i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
