Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
