Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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