Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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