you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
