Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
