he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
