i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
2020 sucks, I want a refund
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
