I need help removing her.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
