I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize