Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
