John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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