and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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