It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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