no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
