I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
