I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I love having hate sex.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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